Friday, May 17, 2013

Post-poop relations with co-workers and Big Boss Man

On Fri, May 17, 2013 at 10:11 AM, 
Stephen Sphincter <> wrote:
You're in the process of dropping a mega-stinker. Just toward the end, a co-worker who you're friendly with walks in for a pee and hears a final plop and big beefer, like a cannon shot from some kind of awful gorge-fest from the night before. Also, you didn't even get a chance to courtesy flush, so the stink of your dung is wafting in the air.
You have a meeting, and you can't linger and hope this guy will do his business quickly. You gotta wipe and get up and go. You gotta face the music.
My question of this: If you encounter this guy at the sink, what do you say? Nothing? Or do you play it off? Do you make a joke? If so what would that joke be?

On Fri, May 17, 2013 at 10:20 AM, 
Fiber MacGyver <> wrote:

Nothing special to do or say, man. Just saddle up to that sink and talk like you are at the break room refrigerator or something communal. Nothing more than a small exchange is necessary since handwashing is a very time-limited activity.
Then you pat his ass on your way out the door.

On Fri, May 17, 2013 at 11:11 AM, Stephen Sphincter 
<> wrote:
What about if it's the big bossman. Any different move needed there?

On Fri, May 17, 2013 at 11:14 AM,  
Fiber MacGyver <> wrote: This is where I always have a fake mustache ready to go. Maybe a plastic Ronald Reagan mask.

On Fri, May 17, 2013 at 11:20 AM, 
Stephen Sphincter <> wrote:  The wife had that same kind of question, only turned around the other way and amped up 100 notches. What if your boss came out of the John and had a huge brown stain on his shirt. Like somehow he squirted on it. Would you tell him?

On Fri, May 17, 2013 at 11:35AM,  
Fiber MacGyver <> wrote:
Yikes. I would absolutely not say a word other than hello. Toilet paper on this shoes, however, I'd tell him about that.

On Fri, May 17, 2013 at 11:45 AM, 
Stephen Sphincter <> wrote:
See, I would bite the bullet and help my bossdude out. He's a swell guy and there's no way I could let him take the fall like that. If I disliked my boss, of course, by all means, say nothing. I have to say, I think based on the Poop Code you gotta tell just about anyone if they squirted on themselves, so long as you were neutral about them or liked them.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The McHale strategy: Stall, pivot and fake out a squatter

Are you like me? Do you have an issue with dropping a deuce when others are in the room?

I've gotten better over the years, but this dilemma still crops up for me from time to time. Do you really want Otto from accounting to get a whiff of last night's tacos as they make an exit from your bowels? Are you cool with trying to pinch a loaf while Frank, the fat dude who works in HR, moans and groans his way through an epic bout of diarrhea?

Worst of all, what if there's a notorious squatter* in your office, a guy who plops down on the toilet and never leaves. It could be Fernando, the really nice dude who works on your team, but also acts like a numb nut by playing with his iPhone long after his doody is done. Or it could be the overnight janitor, and the poor bastard is in the stall next to you catching some Zzz's from a long night of hard work. Hey, that's great, and thanks a lot, but keep on moving, muchacho** (not to be confused with the amazing Manny Machado). I got some bidness to take care of.

Well, a potential solution to all of these is out there, my flatulent friends. It's one of my favorite all-time Poop Moves, a bit of strategery concocted while working in the saltmines of Central Pennsylvania.

I call this move the McHale, for Kevin McHale, who was great at pivoting and misdirection in the post to make up for the fact that he couldn't jump. Here goes:

Red arrow: You enter the bathroom with a bomb all ready for its target, and you sense, or smell, the presence of a pooper in progress. If it's two poopers, forget this strategy, it won't work.

You feel as if you might have a little time before you gotta drop, so instead of going into your own stall, you make a sharp left for the urinal. Whether you have to go or not, hang here as long as you can. Trust me.

Green arrow: This squatter, or whoever he is, will sense that you mean business, or that you have a long piss in progress, or that he simply will not win here. He knows he has to yield and that his time on the throne has come to an end. He wipes, flushes, gets up from the far left stall and heads to the sink.

Blue arrow: While the squatter is at the sink, hold tight. The sink will stop running. The second you hear the paper towel thing or the auto-air dryer (I hate these things), flush the urinal. Even if he stalls a little after that to check his stupid hair in the mirror, you have a few seconds where you theoretically could be shaking or even continuing a piss because you mistakenly cut bait.

Purple arrow: The pooper will finish up and start to leave. The second he passes into the entrance area, pivot into the handistall and dump away.

Squatter*: A dumper who stays too long. Often some douche who's playing on his smartphone or listening to music or, here's a novel idea, reading.

Muchacho**: A friendly co-pooper present in the bathroom. The terms of engagement are not hostile toward this individual. Yield when possible out of courtesy and to further future strong relations.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Judgement Call: Ripping one at the urinal

Dr. Stephen Sphincter          2:45 p.m. May 13
to Uncle Skaggs, Fiber MacGyver

Set up: Two crappers, one urinal.

There's a dude in the handistall* and I know who it is. Despite the fact that I could drop a load, I'm going to yield to him and let him do his business - in other words, this is not going to be a hostile event. So I defer and go to the urinal. Still, I kinda wished I could have beefed one there just to relieve some pressure. What's the ruling on that? If someone is on the shitter, can you rip a fart at the urinal? And if the pooper is bombing turds and or farts, does that give you more right?

 Fiber MacGyver                        5:31 p.m. May 13
to Dr. Stephen Sphincter, Uncle Skaggs

Juice it. But if you are worried the bomber has a positive ID on you, then hold it.

Dr. Stephen Sphincter         7:06 p.m. May 13
to Uncle Skaggs, Fiber MacGyver

There is a Wide Gap** in the handistall - you know what I'm talking about. There is very little transparency going on there. The good news is the male-to-female ratio in my office is very favorable to the Poop Wars***.

Uncle Skaggs                        7:40 p.m. May 13
 to Dr. Stephen Sphincter, Fiber MacGyver

Always tough. In "public," when no one knows you, it's easy - you just light 'em up and ask no questions. But say in front of this guy at work, say you can't hold in the beef for whatever reason... What do you do? Say "oh sorry 'bout that"? "Excuse me"? Or "damn!" Or is it better to just act like it didn't happen?

Verdict: It's OK to let one rip anywhere in the bathroom. In a men's room, the urinal is even more of a safety zone, and in that area anything goes.

Glossary terms:
*Handistall: The biggest stall in a bathroom, sometimes comes with a sink.
**Wide Gap: That annoying space between the doors of a stall. Usually happens with a Handistall, almost always seems to happen at a strip club.
***Poop Wars: The general term for the strategies and head games that take place in public bathrooms. 

Monday, May 13, 2013

Lights out? It's gonna be a good day

Full Clearance: When you know you will have unabated access to the bathroom and the stall of your choice.

Rare is the work bathroom that comes equipped with an auto light that goes off after nobody's been in there for awhile.

Combine the presence of said technology with a workplace that is predominately female and you have a Full Clearance situation.

That's what greeted me this Monday morning when the go-time feeling struck. It was an usual time for this to come over for me, and given the possibility for maximum traffic - coffee-filled co-workers in need of unloading their excess rocket fuel - there was no guarantee of a cakewalk of a poopwalk.

But upon finding the room dark, I was a) guaranteed no one was in there and b) guaranteed neither stall had been used all day. It was to be a Throne of my Own.

If you can find a way to convince your employer to install one of these veritable pooptime traffic lights, I highly encourage you to do so.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

An introduction, and starting the Poop Glossary

Welcome to Poop Moves, a guide and a running diary to some of the more awkward situations that, well, can clog up your bathroom visit. Hopefully, this can help as much as entertain, and we welcome any and all stories and suggestions. True, there are many other sites like this out there, and that's great - we love those sites, and we encourage you visit them as well. The more we share, the more we learn. And learning is half the battle.

And, now, let us add three shady characters to the Poop Move glossary. These are not just enemies, they can also be you if you need to take on their persona to do your business in the John:

The Power Burglar: Let's say you're on the trail of someone going to the sh*tter. You kind of don't like this guy, or you'd like to just have it in your back pocket that he dropped a big bomb and sounded like a 90 year old man doing it. You get a hint that he's gonna drop one, and even if he ends up not doing it, and even if you don't have to go to the bathroom, you go in there and make him pay one way or another. Either you Burglar him and he gets blocked or you make him suffer the shame of loafing for an audience.

King Kong Bundy poops out little men.
The Punisher: This is the guy whose spot you blew up. He came in needing to crap bad, but you were already entrenched. Not going anywhere. And whether he just played it off and pissed, or did his own Poop Move to cover it all up, he's ticked off and gonna make you pay. This guy takes FOREVER pissing, washing his hands, drying his hands, looking in the mirror, tying his shoes, etc., all for revenge. I had this happen to me yesterday.

The Morandini: I had to do this the other day. I came in to change my clothes at the end of the workday and there was a crapper doing some nastiness next to me. I was just gonna change, no problem, but then it just seemed odd to be changing while he was doing the doody. So I dropped down, and did a Poop Move, like a fake, just to show I was in there to do that. I was hoping this would scare him off, but he just lurked in there, he was warding ME off. I had to do a quick fake wipe and rolled out. It was so obvious because there were no farts, plops or anything. This is a pathetic move all for show and I hope you never have to pull one.