Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The McHale strategy: Stall, pivot and fake out a squatter

Are you like me? Do you have an issue with dropping a deuce when others are in the room?

I've gotten better over the years, but this dilemma still crops up for me from time to time. Do you really want Otto from accounting to get a whiff of last night's tacos as they make an exit from your bowels? Are you cool with trying to pinch a loaf while Frank, the fat dude who works in HR, moans and groans his way through an epic bout of diarrhea?

Worst of all, what if there's a notorious squatter* in your office, a guy who plops down on the toilet and never leaves. It could be Fernando, the really nice dude who works on your team, but also acts like a numb nut by playing with his iPhone long after his doody is done. Or it could be the overnight janitor, and the poor bastard is in the stall next to you catching some Zzz's from a long night of hard work. Hey, that's great, and thanks a lot, but keep on moving, muchacho** (not to be confused with the amazing Manny Machado). I got some bidness to take care of.

Well, a potential solution to all of these is out there, my flatulent friends. It's one of my favorite all-time Poop Moves, a bit of strategery concocted while working in the saltmines of Central Pennsylvania.

I call this move the McHale, for Kevin McHale, who was great at pivoting and misdirection in the post to make up for the fact that he couldn't jump. Here goes:

Red arrow: You enter the bathroom with a bomb all ready for its target, and you sense, or smell, the presence of a pooper in progress. If it's two poopers, forget this strategy, it won't work.

You feel as if you might have a little time before you gotta drop, so instead of going into your own stall, you make a sharp left for the urinal. Whether you have to go or not, hang here as long as you can. Trust me.

Green arrow: This squatter, or whoever he is, will sense that you mean business, or that you have a long piss in progress, or that he simply will not win here. He knows he has to yield and that his time on the throne has come to an end. He wipes, flushes, gets up from the far left stall and heads to the sink.

Blue arrow: While the squatter is at the sink, hold tight. The sink will stop running. The second you hear the paper towel thing or the auto-air dryer (I hate these things), flush the urinal. Even if he stalls a little after that to check his stupid hair in the mirror, you have a few seconds where you theoretically could be shaking or even continuing a piss because you mistakenly cut bait.

Purple arrow: The pooper will finish up and start to leave. The second he passes into the entrance area, pivot into the handistall and dump away.

Squatter*: A dumper who stays too long. Often some douche who's playing on his smartphone or listening to music or, here's a novel idea, reading.

Muchacho**: A friendly co-pooper present in the bathroom. The terms of engagement are not hostile toward this individual. Yield when possible out of courtesy and to further future strong relations.

No comments:

Post a Comment