Lights out? It's gonna be a good day

Full Clearance: When you know you will have unabated access to the bathroom and the stall of your choice.

Rare is the work bathroom that comes equipped with an auto light that goes off after nobody's been in there for awhile.

Combine the presence of said technology with a workplace that is predominately female and you have a Full Clearance situation.

That's what greeted me this Monday morning when the go-time feeling struck. It was an usual time for this to come over for me, and given the possibility for maximum traffic - coffee-filled co-workers in need of unloading their excess rocket fuel - there was no guarantee of a cakewalk of a poopwalk.

But upon finding the room dark, I was a) guaranteed no one was in there and b) guaranteed neither stall had been used all day. It was to be a Throne of my Own.

If you can find a way to convince your employer to install one of these veritable pooptime traffic lights, I highly encourage you to do so.

An introduction, and starting the Poop Glossary

Welcome to Poop Moves, a guide and a running diary to some of the more awkward situations that, well, can clog up your bathroom visit. Hopefully, this can help as much as entertain, and we welcome any and all stories and suggestions. True, there are many other sites like this out there, and that's great - we love those sites, and we encourage you visit them as well. The more we share, the more we learn. And learning is half the battle.

And, now, let us add three shady characters to the Poop Move glossary. These are not just enemies, they can also be you if you need to take on their persona to do your business in the John:

The Power Burglar: Let's say you're on the trail of someone going to the sh*tter. You kind of don't like this guy, or you'd like to just have it in your back pocket that he dropped a big bomb and sounded like a 90 year old man doing it. You get a hint that he's gonna drop one, and even if he ends up not doing it, and even if you don't have to go to the bathroom, you go in there and make him pay one way or another. Either you Burglar him and he gets blocked or you make him suffer the shame of loafing for an audience.

King Kong Bundy poops out little men.

The Punisher: This is the guy whose spot you blew up. He came in needing to crap bad, but you were already entrenched. Not going anywhere. And whether he just played it off and pissed, or did his own Poop Move to cover it all up, he's ticked off and gonna make you pay. This guy takes FOREVER pissing, washing his hands, drying his hands, looking in the mirror, tying his shoes, etc., all for revenge. I had this happen to me yesterday.


The Morandini: I had to do this the other day. I came in to change my clothes at the end of the workday and there was a crapper doing some nastiness next to me. I was just gonna change, no problem, but then it just seemed odd to be changing while he was doing the doody. So I dropped down, and did a Poop Move, like a fake, just to show I was in there to do that. I was hoping this would scare him off, but he just lurked in there, he was warding ME off. I had to do a quick fake wipe and rolled out. It was so obvious because there were no farts, plops or anything. This is a pathetic move all for show and I hope you never have to pull one.